Strategy 1: Understand that PUA tactics and methodologies–and other forms of influence such as advertising–are designed to engage and play with your emotions. The tactics are designed to elicit feelings of attraction, aversion, obligation, helplessness, fear, arousal, laughter, curiosity, and laughter. Usually the tactics are verbal but can also be visual and kinesthetic.
Strategy 2: Do not fight the flow of emotions, but rather observe your own emotions. Develop on your own an ability to observe your own emotions and thought processes. For this, I recommend practising zazen ( a form of meditation developed within Zen Buddhism) and centering prayer (also known as hesychasm, which is prayer without mental images or internal voicing, found within the Catholic and Orthodox Christian traditions. Zazen can be practiced by anyone, atheist or theist, whereas centering prayer requires a theistic standpoint. One or both of these methods will develop that part of yourself which is highly observing and neutral; some magicians and mystics call it the Watcher. Developing the Watcher requires daily discipline but is well worth the effort. Many meditation experts recommend that beginners start a meditation practice 20 minutes per session, twice daily. The idea is to work up to 1 hour a day of meditation, but if you choose, you can work up to 2 or more hours if you have the motivation and desire. This effort is worth it. Meditation over a long period of time will give you much greater calm, tranquility, and control over your emotions. It improves mental processes and increases clarity of thought–your greatest allies in decision-making.
Strategy 3: Let go of the need for approval and validation from other people; let go of the fear of disapproval, opprobrium, and ostracism. Let go of the need for logic, emotion, consistancy, and fulfilling other people’s expectations. You don’t have any “‘splaining” to do–to anyone. Right here, right now, you are good enough as you are. You have the right to exist as you are. While human beings exist within a social matrix, our right to be occurs with or without social approval. (This is the antidote to women’s fears of disapproval, lack of social status, and being punished by abandonment.) This doesn’t mean that you can prey on people, or that you don’t have moral obligations to humanity; what it means is that don’t let anyone call you on the carpet for not dancing to their tune.
Strategy 4: make decisions based on intellectual reasoning and immediate intuition–not emotions, fantasies, and feelings. Intuition and emotion are different; I’ll explain the difference. Intuitions are perceptions, often immediate, that arise without apparent logical thought or apparent cause–i.e., you can’t explain off the bat the reasoning for the perception, it’s just there. Intuitions are usually sudden and usually don’t have emotional content to them, unless they’re intuitions about immanent physical danger–then they’re usually accompanied by an immediate burst of adrenaline, or a weird, unrelenting discomfort or edginess. Emotions are physiologically-based biochemical reactions touched off by thought processes, fantasies, etc. An emotion works like this: Step 1) a perception occurs, Step 2) a thought occurs as a reaction to this perception; it touches off a biochemical reaction in the brain, which is Step 3) emotion, which in turn (often) causes Step 4), an action or a reaction. What I am proposing as Strategy 4 is this: do not allow Step 3 to determine Step 4, ever, unless it’s an emergency.
Am I advocating that women dump all emotion and become Vulcans? No. First of all, it’s not humanly possible, and secondly, it’s not humanly desirable. Emotions are the spice of life, and provide a great deal of energy for the motivation, persistance, and drive of human endeavor. Emotions are the best fuel for acting on your decisions. Emotions, however, are the poorest basis for decisionmaking; utilized this way, they leave you extremely vulnerable and easily preyed on.
Strategy 5: learn to observe the world around you and the behaviors of people in your vicinity. (This task can be exacerbated if you’re depressed, have attention deficit disorder, or are dealing with psychological pain from childhood abuse and/or neglect. Seeek independent therapeutic and/or medical help for these issues so that you can become a better observer.) This is where the practice of zazen will help you immensely: not only can you learn how to watch your own emotional states, you can also carry this discipline to watch the world around you.
Strategy 6: learn to sit with discomfort rather than to run from it. Realize that negative emotions won’t kill you, and that they are merely biochemical signals indicating that there’s something that needs to be fixed internally or externally. And if the problem can’t be fixed, sit tight; the pain will pass.
Strategy 7: WHILE CALM AND TRANQUIL, ask yourself what it is that you want to do with your life. Do you want to make a difference in the world, effecting change? Do you wish to save the biosphere and all life on earth? Do you want to help wean humanity off of organized religion? Do you wish to serve God or humanity or both? Do you want to be a wife and mother? Star athlete? Stateswoman? Doctor? Engineer? Theoretical physicist? Firefighter? You get the picture by now. Find your one driving passion in life, what it is you truly wish to be and do; set up the conditions to fulfill that; then *DO IT*. Keep in mind that if you have several goals in life, there’s a way to juggle them–for example, you *can* be a firefighter and a wife and mother–but it will require some doing, i.e., marrying the right partner who will be supportive of your goals and pulling half the load of the housework and childcare. In other words, you need to focus your energies on setting up the right environment to support your goals. (This is one of the big reasons why I favor extended families and communes rather than the nuclear family; nuclear families cannot frequently take a lot of environmental pounding before they disintegrate, whereas real extended families are nigh well indestructible if the family members stick together. They are SO much more resistant to pressures.) Focusing on your goal(s), setting the proper environment up, and *pursuing* your goals will give you something to live for and will make you THAT much less needy, vulnerable, and open to manipulation. It is the aimless, not the driven, who are the primary targets of the manipulator.
OBSERVATION ON STRATEGY 7: keep in mind that strategizing patriarchialists very much like to sabotage, sandbag, and run interference on women’s attempts to set up environmental conditions favorable to self-actualization, ostensibly in the name of protecting children, saving civilization, in the name of religion, etc. Note the giant war on single mothers, the “father’s rights” movements, the war on Title IX, the ongoing war on funding for domestic violence prevention and helping battered women, etc. This interference is delibrate, not accidental, and is based on a cultural war ideology that requires everyone to participate in a patriarchal nuclear family whether they want to or not. Women as a group are going to have to become simultaneously more fierce, creative, cunning, and active in demolishing this interference. The logical end result of women’s efforts in this direction JUST MIGHT HAVE TO BE the creation of a female nation-state, similar to the concept of Israel or Kurdistan, or to the mobile all-female tribes of the Kurgans (offshoots of the Sarmatians and/or Scythians).\
Strategy 8: After deciding your life’s work, examine your friendships and relationships to see if they nurture you in working towards these goals. If your friendships and relationships are nurturing and sustaining, great! Keep them! But if you find yourself with roller-coaster emotions from someone’s behaviors towards you, STOP! THINK! PUAs, players, addicts of all varieties, and other types of mind gamers in general create a lot of drama, “excitement,” anger, and anguish in their victims. You don’t know whether you’re coming or going; that’s the time to walk away. It’s best if you use your cognitive processes to prevent getting that upset, but hey–we’re all human, sometimes we’ll fail. Walking away is a good failsafe to make certain you’re not being toyed with or manipulated. Be especially wary of people who attempt to bring you to the brink of real anger or anguish and then do things to reassure you or “calm you down.” When you catch this, look the person very sternly in the eye, and coldly, calmly, and forcefully state, “Game over.” THEN TURN AROUND AND WALK AWAY, AND *KEEP* WALKING AWAY, NO MATTER WHAT. Don’t let someone “reel you in” with radical, sudden tones in voices or behaviors. That’s manipulative.
Expect that you may get silence, jeering, begging, mocking, angry putdowns, remorse, etc. Ignore it–and keep on walking. Firmly, violently cross this person off in your mind as an undesirable and NO ONE TO ASSOCIATE WITH. You have the right to choose your own company.
Strategy 9: MAKE A FIRM RULE TO YOURSELF NOT TO GO TO BED WITH SOMEONE UNTIL A SET TIME PERIOD AND LEVEL OF INTERACTION/KNOWLEDGE BEFORE YOU ENGAGE IN SEX WITH SOMEONE. People used to advocate waiting for 6 to 9 months before having sex with someone, but the problem with that is that many players have figured out ways around time limits such as those. I recommend more of a two-to-three waiting period to get to know someone before bedding them. , if you’re willing to have premarital sex. For myself, I decided no sex before marriage–we put rings on each others’ fingers before there’s sex. And by the way, there is absolutely nothing wrong in lifelong celibacy. If you’re married or already in a committed relationship of some variety, stay monogamous no matter what–even if the relationship is in trouble.
CAVEAT: PLEASE DO NOT INTERPRET THIS STRATEGY AS MY ADVOCATING THAT YOU SHOULD STAY IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, EVER. This is exactly NOT what I mean. The moment abuse enters a relationship, it’s no longer a bond of love, but a tyrrany–and tyrannies are to be overthrown, not endured. No one should ever have to endure abuse or neglect. When I advocate staying monogamous no matter what, even if the relationship is in trouble, I mean to stay faithful while the relationship still exists, in spite of its problems. Simply put, don’t have sex with another person unless you break it off or divorce someone. That’s not to say I advocate staying with someone as though they’re a ball and chain!
Strategy 10: When you set a boundary with someone, enforce it no matter what. MAKE A DECISION PRIOR TO MEETING ANYONE ABOUT WHAT BOUNDARIES YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE, AND THEN STICK TO THEM. THESE ARE NON-NEGOTIABLE TERMS. Know your mind, know your terms, and refuse to buckle under or cave regardless of guilt-trips, threats, indifference, shaming, or anything else that feels or doesn’t feel like pressure. If someone says, “Okay,” still stick to your boundaries. No matter what anyone says, stick to those boundaries–regardless of whether their words are positive, negative, or neutral.
Strategy 11: Do not allow yourself to be used as a “pivot” or “wingwoman.” If any man requests that you help him find “dates” or “hot babes” or “girlfriends” or “potential mates,” etc., tell him NO and that you expect him to find his own partners. Don’t praise someone’s abilities in bed, even to your girlfriends; there’s a chance that you might be unknowingly used by someone. If you refuse to be someone’s matchmaker and he dumps you, castigates you, or breaks off contact with you, odds are excellent that you found a PUA or a player. Also, don’t vouch for someone romantically unless they were a longtime boyfriend or husband. Hold the attitude that your personal reference should be as valuable as 100 bricks of gold in Fort Knox–rare and costly.
Strategy 12: Learn to be unimpressed when a man gives you that “thousand-yard stare” of primal attraction. Many women are initially unprepared and become shy and disconcerted–then wildly aroused. Understand that it’s a mirage–no indicator whatsoever that the man giving you this stare is of any help, use, value, or worth to you. Period. The attraction and sexuality are real, but that’s all it is. Learn to avoid confusing this type of attention with anything of benefit to you. (The reasoning behind this strategy is that many women grow up feeling ignored and devalued within their own families, as girls all over the world are not valued or taken seriously as much as boys are. Consequently, women are frequently very, very hungry for attention–especially from men, as they usually don’t get what they need from their fathers. The PUA and player takes advantage of that. Learn to view attention as your due, not to be bursting with joy when someone gives it to you.)
Strategy 13: Disengage from the hedonistic philosophy in this culture. Instead, cultivate a philosophy of personal heroism, honor, worth, and citizenship. Be a heroine! Be a philosopher! Be an activist! So what if you don’t have sex or a lot of sexual experiences? So what if you’re not driving a Mercedes-Benz? Refrain from chasing after pleasures, or from being scared of not ever having sex again or not having the “finer things in life.” So what if you never get to “have a man??” You can go down to the sexual toy store and get a battery-operated “jade stalk” that will do the job just as well. Don’t let someone make you feel small for not doing what everyone else is doing in having sex. You don’t need a jerk to have pleasures; ther is something to the idea of just watching a garden grow or watching the full moon rise over the meadow.
Strategy 14: Learn to recognize when you ARE being dominated, played, or treated poorly. Believe it or not, a lot of the reason why women stick around, pick, or stay with jerks is that the women don’t recognize when a power imbalance occurs and what the methods are to create those power imbalances by PUAs, players, and other mind gamers.
Strategy 15: When someone says something, give yourself time to think about what he or she just said–especially if it seemed rude, negative, critical, or of the left-handed compliment variety. Keep silent–don’t say anything immediately, and think about the words used and the tone and non-verbal message used. [Admittedly, this is a hard thing to do if you’ve got a defensive personality, which is why therapy, zazen, and centering prayer can all help in learning to observe rather than to immediately react.] This gives you time to assess the words to find out what the intent is. If the person keeps talking in order to elicit a response, i.e., “Whatssamatter–cat got your tongue,” or other things (positive or negative), keep silent. Keep silent until you’ve figured out what you want to say or do. Then say or do it, on your own timing–when you’re ready to.